My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
