Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
