I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
