i barfeds in our rink
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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