dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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