There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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