You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
