I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize