Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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