Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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