I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
