gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
