I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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