apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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