im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
