he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This baby is an asshole
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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