i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
