Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize