If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize