If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
