I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The Olympian is in my bed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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