My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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