You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
