if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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