Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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