I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
