dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
