I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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