how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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