she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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