I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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