The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
