i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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