Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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