it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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