I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My ass is underappreciated
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
