went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
