i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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