Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
