he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
