please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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