If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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