I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
