I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
