Betty ford says i'm here all night
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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