So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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