true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My penis needs a shock collar
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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