Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
