My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
