so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
