I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
