I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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