The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
