I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize