I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
