I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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