I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
