I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize