My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
